let it be

So this week was interesting. It started when I finally received my Post Secret book in the mail. If you are not familiar with Post Secret, go to www.postsecret.com immediately. It consists of random people sending in anonymous postcards that are artistic displays of their deepest secrets. They are updated every Sunday. They are amazing.
So upon getting my book, I sat down and read all 250 some pages in one sitting. It's soooo addictive. When I got to the end, I noticed the last page had a cutout to make your own secret. I pondered it, and then cut it out. Then I stared at it. I didn't have any idea what to write about. Or how to write it. Or how to display it. I finally worked on it for about an hour. After an entire stick of midnight blue nail polish, a few destroyed pictures and some serious thought, I had my secret. I mailed it the next day, and prayed it would get posted today.
Later on in the week, some other shit happened. The make you want to vomit kind. The truth is, things change. It's just inevitable. Whether it is good change or bad change, that's up to you. You can only decide your prerogative, and live by it.

So here's my prerogative, let it be.
Being a Taurus, I am stubborn and naturally a controller. I like to control all aspects of my life, and some of other's lives, too. I do not take pride in this, as it comes off as uncaring and pushy. The reality is, I am scared. I want to control things so they aren't unfamiliar to me and throw me off guard. Tauruses don't like change. I don't like change. Subtle change is good, rapid change is bad. It's scary. It leaves my head spinning.

A few months ago, I decided to make a change. A rapid change. I decided to change my outlook. I've posted about it like a million times. I wanted to become a more positive and confident person. I wanted to be more laid back and accepting of myself and others. To just leave things alone. This had been working for me quite well.

A few nights ago, Sydni and I were discussing what tattoo she wanted to get. She was considering getting "this too shall pass" because she said it comforted her and she hoped to live by it. I had also been trying to think of what tattoo I wanted. I knew along what lines I wanted, I just didn't feel settled on it. I started telling Syd that I knew how she felt about this phrase, and then I told her about mine. When my first boyfriend broke up with me, I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to die, I'd never get another boyfriend, my heart had been ripped out of my chest blah blah blah. As I was crying myself to sleep ever so dramatically that night, I suddenly had a song stuck in my head. "Let it be" by The Beatles. Ever since then, whenever I'd go through something difficult, I would hear that song. I hadn't thought much about it until that night. After I told Syd that, she looked at me and said, "that's your tattoo, Si." So it goes.

We had all been planning on going to get Syd's tat with her on her birthday and have a girls day. I hadn't decided if I was going to get mine yet or not. I mean, passing out is bad enough without alot of your close friends with you. And after the weird week, I didn't know if I even wanted to go or not. I decided last minute to go and have fun. So we went. We go to the tattoo parlor, and Syd was deciding on lettering. I was back and foreth on getting one. I didn't find a font I wanted. I finally asked for a piece of paper and started sketching. I wrote out the font I had in mind, and showed the tat guy. Then we waited. I decided, spur of the moment to get it. I threw the $50 at the lady and mumbled something about just take it before I change my mind and run screaming down the street. She did. The tat guy then started printing some junk off and the next thing I know, I have an outline on my ribcage and I'm laying down on a chair/bed staring at the ceiling and counting my own breaths so I don't pass out cold, praying that group of guys doesn't waltz back in and see my with my shirt up, basically comatose. The tat gun started. I looked at the girl with eyes the size of tin cans. They laughed. I felt it touch my skin with a tiny sting, and thought, "is this it?". It wasn't near as painful as I had imagined. I sighed. He was done in about 2 minutes and I remember feeling relieved and proud of myself. I didn't pass out.
I looked in the mirror and smiled. One of the girls says "that's really cool that he used your own writing and all". I had no idea he had made a copy of my writing. I was a little creeped out, then I figured it was typical. I had found a way to control something.
I am so glad I went through with it. I needed this to remind me of why I was doing what I'm doing. Changing. Let it be means so much to me. It means to move on, it means to leave it alone, that things work themselves out. It's all out of my control. Well, almost.
And I'm glad my secret didn't get posted. I don't regret spending all that time on it. Everything happens for a reason.

Luck is when preparation meets opportunity

Sometimes it's very easy to sit around and think about all the things that are wrong in your life. I've been trying really hard to think of the positive things that I have. We, as Americans, are all very "lucky", but I don't believe luck exists, as the title explains. Maybe it's the new optimistic view, maybe an afternoon of being sick and watching episode after episode of Extreme Home Makeover and 16 and Pregnant just does that to you.
I don't really know if I believe in karma or any of that stuff. What I do believe is if you are a good person, tell the truth and strive to do your best, you will be blessed with friends and people who love you. They will pay you back, and they will have your back. People will be nice to you, good things will happen and you will be happy. This, of course, takes some optimism on your part.

Sure, there are alot of bad people who are popular. We all know someone who is like that. The truth is, do people "like" this person because they are rich? Because if they aren't friends with this person, they are afraid they will get made fun of like the other who defy them? There's always an ulterior motive. No one trusts mean people, and I guarantee they don't have real friends.

Being a nice person isn't hard. It's actually pretty simple. If you feel like something is mean and wrong, don't do it. You have to adjust the standard of a "good person" to your personal morals. If you are naturally a mean person, then be a mean person. Tell me how that works out for you.

The bottom line is if you live like you should, are happy with yourself and have alot of love, you are lucky. Here are some things that I think make me lucky;

1.) I am sick, luckily I have a great doctor I can go to , and heath insurance
2.) It's raining, but maybe that means morels tomorrow :)
3.) I have to take a stupid test tomorrow, but at least I am able to go to school.

RAINBOW CAKE!

Ok, since this is supost to be a baking/cooking/Marthary blog, I feel like I should post pics of what little baking I do right now. This rainbow cake was for Sydni's birthday. Enojoy!!!

Spring Cleaning!

My life has now been spring cleaned. My room blog have gotten facelifts. The car...not so much. Next step, becoming an exercising fool!!! So maybe that one's a bit of a stretch...

I have also discovered Jason Castro. He was on some season of American Idol, which I despise...never mind that. I'm pretty sure he was designed for me. Blue eyes, brown hair, dreads, drummer. Basically all of my fetishes combined into one fine guy. Delish. Not to mention he has an adorable voice. I suggest you listen to his version of Hallelujah and Over the Rainbow. Live, not recorded.
Do not take this new obsession as me loving KOL any less. Did I mention I got tickets to see them for the third time in a year in July??? :D

I am on a book buying kick again, tell me your favorite book that is a must have!

Above is the beautiful Jason Castro. Eat your heart out, ladies. (and gentlemen?)

My A HA! moment.

Today, as Lindsey so perfectly put it, I saw the light. The dating light that is.

I am always giving my friends advice on guys. Whether they ask for it or not, want it or not, appreciate it or not. Sure they get frustrated with me and don't want to believe it most of the time, but for the most part, I end up being right. I'm not trying to brag. It's the opposite actually. It just means that I've seen so many of my friends be in relationships while I stood by the side, single. You get a much clearer view from the outside when you are not dating anyone. You don't relate to them being in love and gushy. Sure, my advice is harsh for the most part, but it comes from experience of seeing it. The rest of it comes from my own shitty little library of relationships.

The bottom line is this; I tell my friends this junk because I love them, and I think they deserve the best. They are beautiful and deserve to be respected. I do not see how they want to be with guys that treat them like they aren't. I just assume there are plenty of other guys they could get. Ones that appreciate them as much as I do. I'm also a firm believer in the book and movie, "He's Just Not That Into You". Painful, but oh so legit.

But when it comes to my own relationships, I'm a train wreck. I don't follow any of my rules, and I have no idea what to do. I do all the things you are not supost to do when pursuing someone, and then when I get hurt, I keep going back for more. I'm the worst of my friends at this stuff.

Today I realized why. I never listen to my advice to others, because I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't think I deserved respect like my friends do. You may think this is silly, but I thought rules didn't apply to me. That I am the unlikeable friend who just has to take what she gets. Then I realized that I do deserve it. I deserve what my friends deserve. I am allowed to be confident and decide when enough is enough. Enough bullshit, enough lies, enough of them hitting on my friends, enough boys that are taken/kind of single/ we're just talking/ borderline. I deserve to have a guy all to myself. I shouldn't have to share, or worry about him liking other girls. I don't need them. At all. I have friends, I don't need someone to stroke my ego and build me up.

So today I stop letting boy's opinions influence my opinion of myself. And I'm ready to give myself the same treatment that I give my friends. And I'm excited.

Above is a scene from Sydni's birthday party last weekend. I had a great time with all of my favorite people. I'm glad all our different types of friends came together to celebrate with our Syd. <3

Home is where your story begins...

Today as I was walking to my car after class at OCC, I passed a silver PT Cruiser with all the windows open. As I strolled past, a kid popped up in the back seat looking sleepy and confused. He was tucked in the back seat with a pillow and blanket taking a snooze. He then started his car and drove approximately 10 parking spots to get some more privacy. Welcome to Olney.

People that live in cities think they see some pretty disturbing things. Gang violence, car crashes etc. To that I say, come to Olney and watch a bag lady in a motorized scooter chair scream at the CVS workers because she can't get her Oxycontin that she just picked up an hour earlier. Sure, these things are funny. But they are scary. I don't think I'll ever forget one day last spring that Lindsey and I were taking one of our drives to entertain ourselves, and escape to the sounds of KOL for a while. We had just had a massive rain, and as we drove main, we realized it was the biggest thing to happen in Olney since so and so murdered whoever over her baby daddy's brother's litter of pit bull puppies or whatever the hell it was. Kids were swimming in the super wash parking lot. I'm not shitting you. Actually swimming. With noodles and water toys. (water toys may or may not include bars of soap or shampoo) We thought that was pretty funny, until we headed home and came to the fourway in the bottoms by our road. (where silver keeps going around the dam and then down to a fourway) Lindsey pointed out to me that there were people gathered around a ditch with nets and fishing poles. Fishing. In. A. Ditch. Now I've seen it all.

You may think I'm shit talking Richland County, that's not at all what this is. I consider myself to have a sense of humor and appreciate these things probably more than actual town accomplishments. I delivered medicine for a pharmacy for a while. As you can imagine, most of these deliveries were not to sweet old women who couldn't get around well anymore (although there were some, and I love love love them). Most of my work was done in trailer parks. And I'm sure I wasn't the only one there delivering drugs at any one time. It was scary at first, but then I just found it hilarious. One of my regulars had no door on his home, beside the door hole was a message in crayon that read "knot hear" and "fuc of". It reminded me a bit of Winnie The Pooh's house with the backwards letters on the sign above his hole in a tree. Except Pooh had a door...
Back to my friend. He was never without a case of Jim Bean and was usually so tanked that he couldn't stand and had his girlfriend/sexslave/stepsister or what have you sign for his things. Did I mention she had two completely cataracted eyes? He was one of my favorites. Another one of my favorites was in a nearby neighborhood. Amongst the 400 cats, their next door neighbors had a mini horse. In the middle of town. In a pen that had a doorway into their house.

I fear that when I move away from here someday that I will forget these things and start to look down upon them. The truth is, we all come from this place, what makes us different is that we choose to grow from it, instead of swim in it...or fish. It is definitely some fertile soil to grow from, too. No one leaves Olney without some character or at least a sense of humor.

This will be the last summer in Olney before I go away to school. I plan on taking advantage of it by goin muddin', fishin', drinkin', riding on a big wheel bugee corded to the top of my car, jumping out of barn windows onto mattresses, whatever keeps us entertained.

Above is an image of me with my first beer. It's closed. Proud day, nonetheless.
Happy Turkey Hunting Season!

Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers. - Josef Albers

I was always the kid who said things like, " When I pick a major for college, that's it, I won't ever ever change it". I'm currently on my 5th major choice. But I'm pretty confident it's the right one. For real, Mom.

I thought about elementary education, elementary counseling, occupational therapy and culinary. But when I started to think about it, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. And I wanted to teach about cooking. And babies. And decorating. And learning life skills. Then it hit me. Family and Consumer Sciences. (or home economics for all of you who are old) It is a career that was made for me. Or so I like to tell myself. I was so excited to tell Lindsey, who had also been thinking about switching majors, only to find that she had also decided to teach FACS. We hadn't even mentioned it to each other. We do things like that alot....

How do you know when you have chosen the right job for yourself? 1.) people don't even blink when you tell them what you are majoring in, they just already assumed it. 2.) You get excited when you get to job shadow/observe 3.) you get excited about grading papers (yes, I know, this will soon fade) 4.) you make lists of things to remember when you are a teacher 5.) you relate everything to teaching...such as this list.

I am completely confident I have chosen the right path. In a dream world, I would work for Martha for a few years in the city, but it's not completely impossible. I just want to feed people, and teach kids how to be proud of themselves. If there is one thing I learned from experience as a high school student, it's that self esteem building in high school is crucial. I didn't get much of that at St.Joe, and I wouldn't be the same person without Mr. Steber, Mr. VanDyke and Mrs. Billington. My first day of high school, I was so nervous I puked up my breakfast in the office trash can. On the last day, I knew my place in high school, and there weren't many people I didn't know.

People keep asking me, "aren't you scared of all of the budget cuts and rifting?". No. I cannot change my dream because of a dip in the economy. It wouldn't be fair. I will find something to do until I can teach.

Today I gave my first real lesson to a class at the high school. I found out a little about myself and my teaching styles. I'm not very good at staying at the front of the classroom or lecturing yet. I tend to tease them alot and crack semi-inappropriate jokes. I'll have to work on that...
I thought it went pretty well, and at the end of the period, I knew all of the kids and am happy to say that they actually cared about my project and I think they had fun doing it. This is what I want to do.

When I left the high school today, I found an ice cream cone smeared down the side of my car and left to melt on the running board. My first hate crime. Adorable. I'm crazy for wanting to teach these walking hormones. It's a good thing I like crazy...

My picture may be a little staged...

Just my luck.

Sometimes life is just plain shitty. Like always, just when I think life is going a little too well for me, things turn into heaping piles of feces and then I mope about it for a while and get on with it. Shit Shit Shit. That's all I have to say about that.
On that note, this blog is about luck and motivation. I'm not a completely superstitious person, but I'm ready to do just about anything to turn my "bad luck" around. Bad luck with guys, school, friends, money, if it can go bad for me, it usually does. However, as my dad always reminds me, any day above ground is a good day. And he is right. I know I'm very very lucky in most aspects. I don't have to worry about freezing to death at night, how I'm going to feed my 27 illegitimate children or where my next meal is coming from. Yet. But sometimes, it's just nice to have an exciting day, a day where everything going perfectly. Or just a few good things. I'm not picky

So, quit bitching and do something, right? I plan on starting to work out with Christina, become a heath nut and actually do my homework and study once in a while. Also, I will no longer be trusting myself with my phone on the weekends or drinking near as much. These things are life ruiners, and I am too dumb to control my texting while hyper.
As far as luck goes, Heidi forced me to return the stolen hymnal from the haunted church that I'd been towing around in the back seat of the 4-runner for a year and a half. Not much has improved, in fact I woke up the next morning with gum strung all over my bed sheets. But it makes her feel better, and I feel less guilty for taking something that wasn't mine. So bring on the good luck, and here are a few of my favorite quotes that keep me going. I think I just got a computer virus. Wouldn't you know it...

My adorable picture is of one of my favorite little people in the entire world, Jaylen. Happy Easter!!!


"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm" - Winston Churchill

"Don't make someone a priority when you are only an option" - unknown

"Don't waste a minute being unhappy. If one window closes, go to the next one. If that one closes, break down a door" - Unknown

"If you're sucking air, it's a good day" - Dad

"Fuck em."