let it be

So this week was interesting. It started when I finally received my Post Secret book in the mail. If you are not familiar with Post Secret, go to www.postsecret.com immediately. It consists of random people sending in anonymous postcards that are artistic displays of their deepest secrets. They are updated every Sunday. They are amazing.
So upon getting my book, I sat down and read all 250 some pages in one sitting. It's soooo addictive. When I got to the end, I noticed the last page had a cutout to make your own secret. I pondered it, and then cut it out. Then I stared at it. I didn't have any idea what to write about. Or how to write it. Or how to display it. I finally worked on it for about an hour. After an entire stick of midnight blue nail polish, a few destroyed pictures and some serious thought, I had my secret. I mailed it the next day, and prayed it would get posted today.
Later on in the week, some other shit happened. The make you want to vomit kind. The truth is, things change. It's just inevitable. Whether it is good change or bad change, that's up to you. You can only decide your prerogative, and live by it.

So here's my prerogative, let it be.
Being a Taurus, I am stubborn and naturally a controller. I like to control all aspects of my life, and some of other's lives, too. I do not take pride in this, as it comes off as uncaring and pushy. The reality is, I am scared. I want to control things so they aren't unfamiliar to me and throw me off guard. Tauruses don't like change. I don't like change. Subtle change is good, rapid change is bad. It's scary. It leaves my head spinning.

A few months ago, I decided to make a change. A rapid change. I decided to change my outlook. I've posted about it like a million times. I wanted to become a more positive and confident person. I wanted to be more laid back and accepting of myself and others. To just leave things alone. This had been working for me quite well.

A few nights ago, Sydni and I were discussing what tattoo she wanted to get. She was considering getting "this too shall pass" because she said it comforted her and she hoped to live by it. I had also been trying to think of what tattoo I wanted. I knew along what lines I wanted, I just didn't feel settled on it. I started telling Syd that I knew how she felt about this phrase, and then I told her about mine. When my first boyfriend broke up with me, I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to die, I'd never get another boyfriend, my heart had been ripped out of my chest blah blah blah. As I was crying myself to sleep ever so dramatically that night, I suddenly had a song stuck in my head. "Let it be" by The Beatles. Ever since then, whenever I'd go through something difficult, I would hear that song. I hadn't thought much about it until that night. After I told Syd that, she looked at me and said, "that's your tattoo, Si." So it goes.

We had all been planning on going to get Syd's tat with her on her birthday and have a girls day. I hadn't decided if I was going to get mine yet or not. I mean, passing out is bad enough without alot of your close friends with you. And after the weird week, I didn't know if I even wanted to go or not. I decided last minute to go and have fun. So we went. We go to the tattoo parlor, and Syd was deciding on lettering. I was back and foreth on getting one. I didn't find a font I wanted. I finally asked for a piece of paper and started sketching. I wrote out the font I had in mind, and showed the tat guy. Then we waited. I decided, spur of the moment to get it. I threw the $50 at the lady and mumbled something about just take it before I change my mind and run screaming down the street. She did. The tat guy then started printing some junk off and the next thing I know, I have an outline on my ribcage and I'm laying down on a chair/bed staring at the ceiling and counting my own breaths so I don't pass out cold, praying that group of guys doesn't waltz back in and see my with my shirt up, basically comatose. The tat gun started. I looked at the girl with eyes the size of tin cans. They laughed. I felt it touch my skin with a tiny sting, and thought, "is this it?". It wasn't near as painful as I had imagined. I sighed. He was done in about 2 minutes and I remember feeling relieved and proud of myself. I didn't pass out.
I looked in the mirror and smiled. One of the girls says "that's really cool that he used your own writing and all". I had no idea he had made a copy of my writing. I was a little creeped out, then I figured it was typical. I had found a way to control something.
I am so glad I went through with it. I needed this to remind me of why I was doing what I'm doing. Changing. Let it be means so much to me. It means to move on, it means to leave it alone, that things work themselves out. It's all out of my control. Well, almost.
And I'm glad my secret didn't get posted. I don't regret spending all that time on it. Everything happens for a reason.